.: a r t ( i s ) w a r :.

i don't know who to talk to.
i don't know how to redeem myself.
i don't know if i want to.
i feel like taking a knife
stabbing my arm
four inches deep
and dragging it down
then examining the cut
pulling apart my flesh
making myself bleed more.
i don't know why i can't.
i hate myself
but i don't want to hurt myself.
i'm fucking confused.
i'm wallowing.
i fucking hate this the most.
i want to ruin
YOU.
Something BEAUTIFUL.
NOW.
I want to dig my nails
into your skin
drag it away
leaving raw red scars.
I want to hit you
until my knuckle bone
shows through my skin.
I want to ruin myself.
I want to rub myself raw.
I want to destroy myself.
I want to ruin myself.
Everything.
I want to destroy the world.
I hate myself.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I don't know who I'm fighting anymore.
I want to feel skin under my nails
and I want to feel the anger rush through me
that old familiar feeling.
Letting myself go, screaming.
I want to yell and scream and wail
"I wish I were never born!"
"I hate myself!"
"I hate you!"
I want to aim it at my mom
and I'm not even sure why.
I want to ruin this house
and this life
and myself
and my family.
They don't deserve this.
I don't deserve this.
They don't deserve to be unhappy
and neither do I.
I don't know where I fucked up.
I want to feel my OWN skin
underneath my nails.
Defensive wounds
caused by my own attack.
I want to be black and blue.
Hit me.
Hit me, as hard as you can.

Please.
{HitMe}

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